Chocolate or Broccoli

It seems that Alan Johnson, Health Minister, has suddenly become a radical reformist. He's calling for the PM to allow a referendum on electoral reform. Odd that Johnson has only become a reformist since the expenses row erupted and the public started calling for, well electoral reform. Strange coincidence also that he has chosen a moment when the future of the Labour party leader is in doubt. I don't remember him being much of a crusader for reforms last year. In fact I seem to remember his party doing everything it could to prevent expenses data from being published and maintain the staus quo. Great idea to have a referendum though. Lets ask the public whether they are in favour of electoral reform. That could go either way couldn't it! A bit like asking a class of five-year-olds whether they prefer chocolate or broccoli.

I'm really looking forward to Elliot Morely demonstrating that his £16,000 expenses claim in monthly instalments over almost two years, for a mortgage that didn't exist, was a "mistake". I notice he uses the word "mistake" and not "accident". This sounds like some Bill Clinton style verbal gymnastics to me. According to WordWeb, a mistake is a, "wrong action attributable to bad judgement or ignorance or inattention". So that would be like me making a spelling "mistake". It would be due to ignorance, inattention, or even bad judgement. It would still be my fault of however, and I would still be responsible for it. I should have used the spell checker. Not much of a defence is it. I think Morely is a dihonest scum-bag, in case you were in any doubt.

I will be disappointed if no MP actually gets convicted of fraud. I notice that a member of the public is trying to start a private prosecution against the Home Secretary. He's appeared in court and the judge has advised him to file a complaint with the Met Police. If they are not willing to investigate the accusation (hmm, isn't the Met under the control of the Home Secretary?), he can come back to court. I suppose there is very little chance that anything will come of it, but it would be wonderful if it did.

The Inland Revenue are going in this week to investigate whether MPs have any outstanding tax liabilities on the benefits they have received. That'll teach the bastards. Give them a taste of their own medicine. An expense is generally tax deductible you see, but there seems to be a suggestion that a considerable number of MPs have claimed for tax advice on expenses. And accounting services are not tax deductible, unless they are an office expense. I don't think anyone is really very clear on what constitutes an office expense as opposed to a personal expense however. I find this complex tax situation pleasingly ironic. Anyone who has run their own business will tell you this kind of complication comes up all the time in the real world. One is faced with a set of tax rules so baffling that it's almost impossible to ascertain whether something is tax deductible or not. In the end, the effort involved in finding out, or paying someone to do it for you, and then the potential cost of having to defend yourself in the event that it is questioned, is so great that you just pay the damn tax on it anyway.

We could take this taste-of-their-own-medicine thing a step further I reckon. I think we should make all politicians sell their second homes and make them get a HIP pack. They would have to organise it for themselves of course. They wouldn't be allowed to pay anyone to do it for them. And we should definitely have all of them arrested and then their DNA should be left on file forever, even if they were not not convicted of anything.

Predictions

Prime Minister's Question time - 20 May 2009:

David Cameron: This morning the Prime Minister said that a general election would cause chaos. What on earth did he mean?

Gordon Brown: What would cause chaos is if a Conservative Government were elected and caused public spending cuts.

Uproar and hysteria erupts in the house.

David Cameron: So, there we have it, the first admission that he thinks he's going to lose. I know the Prime Minister is frightened of elections, but how can he possibly believe that in the fourth year of a parliament in one of the oldest democracies in the world, a general election could somehow bring chaos. Have another go at a better answer.

And so it went on. Gordon Brown was trampled by Her Majesty's Opposition.

Here are some predictions:

The EU elections on 4 June will give the UKIP a record result. This will be an embarrassment for the Labour party since they are the only major party that still supports the EU in its current form, and the UKIP seem to have only a single policy, which is to scrap it.

The Labour party will do spectacularly badly in the EU elections and by elections that are held on the same day.

The opposition will step up calls for a general election.

The government will attempt to resist calls for the election but will eventually have to relent. I'm guessing the announcement will come in July, but there has to be an election before June 2010.

The government will lose badly and the new PM will be David Cameron.

The new Conservative government will give us a referendum on the Lisbon treaty within the first months of their incumbency. There will be a resounding No vote.

The government will pledge to renegotiate our role in Europe and give us an In or Out referendum in 4-5 years.

There will be much fighting within Europe over the issue of the UK. No real agreement will be reached. Britain will be accused of damaging Europe.

The In or Out referendum will return a resounding "Out" vote, and Britain will be forced to leave Europe.

The Czech Republic will also leave Europe and Britain will become public enemy number one.

Europe will begin to crumble from within and finally implode about 2035.

I realise that we will have to wait 26 years to see that I was right, but I will still be here to write, "I told you so" when it does.

And now for something completely different:

Announced by the Company VP in the office kitchen as he was reading a notice about a charity abseiling event:

"Falling off a building won't kill you. It's the rapid deceleration on the ground that's the problem".

He's a Physics Phd.

Peeing against the ornamental yew trees

Another week, and new accusations and allegations in the Parliamentary expenses row have been published. It just gets worse every morning. It's like a horror film that seems pretty good for the first half hour, and then turns into a gore-fest so explicit and stomach churning that it actually becomes difficult to watch. I've had enough of it now. I want it to stop. The speaker needs to go. Reforms need to be agreed, and there should be a general election. The only problem with this is that not all expenses have been published yet, and a general election would mean that some MPs would be able to stand again without being exposed. I suppose we have no choice but to let this simply run its course. It seems that 120 MPs' expenses have so far been published. Sadly my own MP has yet to be exposed.

It rained all weekend. And it was that foul intermittent rain that prevents one from planning anything. I bought three clematis plants to put outside the kitchen window. I managed to clear the flowerbed ready to put them in, but didn't manage to actually plant them. It's going to rain all week. However, it may clear up for the weekend, which is good because Monday is a holiday.

I visited the bank to see if I could borrow some money to build a new attic bedroom. Well, in reality I intend to pay someone else to build it. It's quite exciting. They offered me the money with no real problem. They suggested I could get a better rate if I moved my mortgage instead. They would then give me a fixed rate below what I currently pay, and they would add the extra loan on top of it. It sounds pretty good. I'm going to see about moving it this week. If they don't charge me for moving it, I think I'll do it.

The mens' lavatory is being decorated at the office today. That means the disabled lavatory is the only one available to those with a penis. That lavatory is also the shower room. It means that the health nazis who cycle/jog in tend to monopolise it for 20 minutes at a time. A queue of cross legged men is now forming outside the door. It's threatening to stretch out to the car park. I think I may just pee against the ornamental yew trees outside when the need takes me. Oh, we've just has an email to say we can use the ladies room as well. How embarrassing is that?

Are you still watching Lost? Season 5 just finished. What the bloody hell is going on? Is John Locke dead or not? And did the bomb go off? I don't think I can wait 8 months for the final season.

The Knackers Yard

And so we lurch awkwardly towards the end of another week. The rain is falling, the wind is howling, and the monument to sleaze that is now our parliament is still dominating the news. But I am not going to talk about it again. I've had enough of Phil Woolas trying to persuade me that the tampons he charged to expenses were for his personal use, and the Foreign Secretary David Milliband apologising so earnestly for making controversial claims of £30,000, which he is not going to return. I don't think I could stand to listen to Elliot Morely attempting to convince me again that he only claimed £16,000 erroneously because he simply forgot that he had already paid off his mortgage. And honestly, if I hear another minister tell me that everything they did was "within the rules" I may actually vomit.

But I'm not going to talk about it. I'm not even going to mention the appearance of Margaret Becket on Question Time last night attempting to defend her £70,000 claim (which she is not intending to repay) to the lynch mob audience in front of her. I wonder what the security arrangements were like. I was half expecting the crowd to rise as one and storm the stage with pitch-forks. She looked scared, like a horse suddenly realised he's strayed into the knackers yard by mistake. Nope, not going to talk about any of that. It's just too depressing. Perhaps there will be a revolution over the weekend. That would be good to write about on Monday.

In the mean time, I will update you about stuff:

The boy has been going to nursery for a couple of weeks now. He liked it to begin with, then got a bit scared about it, and now seems to be getting into it again. He's sly. He worked out that if he told the nursery staff that he was tired, they would just let him go to sleep in the quiet corner and he didn't have to join in. He's stopped doing that now though.

I've given up using the train to get to work. This month I have been driving. It means I can listen to Radio 4 on the way in and on the way home, but I have no reading time any more. I bought "Greed" by Richard Girlng about ten days ago and I'm only just into the second chapter. If they reintroduce the renewal discount, I may be persuaded to go back to the rails. Until then, I'm using the car.

It's going to pee down all weekend by the look of it, which is not great, but better this weekend than next, because that is a bank holiday weekend - hooray!

It's late and I'm going to post this now or it'll be morning before you know it.

Gravy Train Wreck

I can't find a new battery for my beeper thing for the car. I wrote about this the other day didn't I. It's annoying me. I'm too scared to used the alarm now. I'm going to go to Maplin on the way home. I wonder what time it closes. I just checked. It's Open til 8. I'm going there tonight. Don't try and steal the car OK?

I'm told the boy drew a picture of me today. This is exciting because it's never happened before. Apparently I look like an octopus. It was drawn on his water mat thing, so it disappears after a while and I will never see it. I'm at work typing this. The news reached me by phone. However, the dragon had the foresight to take a picture.

So, who'd want to be Elliot Morely this morning, not I, that's for sure. In case you missed the story, Elliot is the MP for Scunthoprpe and claimed £800 a month, for two years for a mortgage that didn't exist. It was a complete accident of course, completely forgot that his mortgage was already paid off, totally slipped his mind. Somehow he even managed to provide proof that he was paying for this mortgage with a building society statement showing an £800 payment every month. Turns out the payment was for something completely different though. Could have happened to anyone. Honest mistake, feels terrible about it apparently, though not terrible enough to offer his resignation it would seem.

Morley also somehow managed to claim for mortgage payments on his London property while renting it out to another MP who was simultaneously claiming for rent on the same property. He obviously went to the Margaret Becket school of property management. That arrangement apparently only lasted four months before the practice was deemed unallowable. He doesn't appear to have repaid the cash though.

In another revelation by the Telegraph, Tory Aid to David Cameron, Adrew Mackay, has actually resigned after it emerged that he was claiming an allowance to pay off the mortgage of the home he shared with his wife who is also an MP. She was apparently also claiming for mortgage payments on their other home. So they had two homes, both of which were funded by the tax payer. At least he had the decency to resign. One wonders how his wife is going to survive. I assume she is also a Tory.

It's like some ghastly adult soap opera isn't it.

And I've just read that Elliot Morley has been suspended. When I read the headline I was hoping it would be "suspended by the bollocks from the nearest lamp post by angry mob", sadly it was "suspended from the labour party by Gordon Brown.

The one thing that is now becoming apparent about this whole ugly saga, is the way in which David Cameron is leading his MPs, and Gordon Brown is reacting to his. Yesterday Cameron laid down conditions to his MPs. He told them that if they didn't return dubious expense claims, he'd sack them. And all his MPs apologised and started writing cheques. Shortly after the Cameron announcement there was a muddled statement from Harriet Harman which attempted to say the same thing. Yesterday Cameron's entire shadow cabinet had paid back their wrongly claimed expenses. Today we hear David Milliband (Gordon Brown minister) saying, "terribly sorry for my £30,000 claim for fixtures and fittings at my constituency home, but I'm not paying back a penny". He might as well have stuck his fingers up and blown a raspberry. Margaret Moran has reluctantly agreed to pay back £22500 claimed for a home nowhere near her constituency, and is still indicating that she may take legal action. Phill Wooolas, who has been caught red-handed making claims for things like toiletries, booze, kids' comics, and women's clothes is still insisting he hasn't. Read the Telegraph Mr Woolas, your itemised reeipt is printed there.

This morning Andrew Mackay resigned as soon as news broke about his dubious mortgage claims. It wasn't pretty, but he did the decent thing. Meanwhile Elliot Morley, a Brown MP accused of a far greater transgression, squirmed like a cornered rat for hours before Brown had no choice but to suspend him. He should have resigned straight away. He's committed political suicide now. I'm predicting it will go to court, and there is every chance he'll be convicted.

Contrition

Written Friday, never posted:

So, the Telegraph has somehow got hold of a complete copy of MP's expenses going back to 2004. How very embarrssing for the government which was trying to prevent their publication. Today saw the Telegraph publish expenses details for about a dozen cabinet MPs. There were no huge surprises, but the most interesting I thought was the news that Peter Mandleson had claimed for repairs to his second home after he had announced his resignation as an MP. He then sold the property maing a six-figure profit.

Tomorrow the Radio One Big Weekend comes to Swindon. It's a big rock concert thing. I applied for tickets and failed to get them. There was a rumour that Britney was going to play, but that appears to have been made up by the Sun newspaper. So, I don't care that I haven't got tickets much. I do care that I have to put up with a weekend of disruption and can't even join in - Bastards.

I'm also a bit pissed off with the James Randi Edcational Foundation. I used to think that the JREF was a worthwhile organisation, but I was really annoyed when James Randi came to London last year and it was completely impossible to get tickets because they booked a venue with a capacity of 500 in a city of 13,000,000 people. Great foresight that. This year The JREF Amazing Meeting is coming to London, and guess what, not only have they booked another 500 seat venue, they have put ticket prices up to £175. I'm not even going to bother.

Written today - hurrah!

The batteries are dying on my key chain thingy to turn the car alarm on and off. It's got to that stage where I'm scared I'll be able to lock it, but then not unlock it. Then I'll have to do that incredibly embarrassing thing where you have to open the car with the key, set the alarm off, and then spend the next ten minutes under the bonnet trying to disable the alarm manually with the security key with the siren going, everyone watching you, eard bleeding etc. So I've stopped using the alarm. Don't steal my car. It's not worth much and it may have something I need inside it. I'm going to buy a new battery on the way home, so I'll probably be using teh alarm again by the time you read this anyway.

Everyone should read Charlie Brooker in the Guardian. I particularly liek the way he described Walkers Builders' Breakfast flavour Crisps as, "like someone burping egg at you through a jockstrap".

The MPs expenses row has again escalated this morning. The Telegraph has today published more revelations about expense claims including Conservative Alan Duncan's £3,000 claim for his garener (later withdfrawn), and Oliver Letwin (conservative) and his £2,000 claim to replace a pipe under his tennis court. Difficult to see how these bills were a result of their constituency or parliamentary work.

I think the prize for most outrageous claim so far must go to Margaret Moran (labour) who claimed £22,500 for treating dry rot at her husband's seaside house a hundred miles from her constituency. She was trying to defend herself on the radio this morning claiming it was the only way she could have a family life with her partner of thirty years. If you can't deal with the travelling Ms Moran, you're in the wrong job!

I also think Keith Vaz should get an honourable mention for his incredibly complex property expenses claims, and I was particularly impressed with his calim for £2614 for two leather armchairs essential for his work. I've seen pictures of the chairs. They are lovely, though you can of course get a complete three-piece suite from Ikea for a third of that price.

I'm also really looking forward to Phil Woolas trying to explain why he was putting in expenses claims for women's clothes, panty liners, tanpons, a bottle of red wine, nappies, and chidren's comics. He has actually threatened legal action over the publication of the receipts which he submitted. It is difficult to see how he can justify his claims though since the rules state that he is not allowed to claim for things for other people, or for alcohol. The funny thing is, the expenses system does allow claims of up to £200 a month for food, and he's not required to submit a receipt.

What gets me is the complete lack of contrition from all these politicians that have been caught with their fingers in the biscuit tin. They all say the same thing, "I acted within the rules, and the rules need to be changed immediately". I can't see how £2600 on armchairsd can be within the rules, since the rules quite clearly say that luxury items can't be claimed for. I can't see how anyone can leaglly claim second home expenses on a house 100 miles from both constituency and parliament. In any case, although the system quite clearly is at fault, the system was put in place, policed, and exploited by the very people blaming it for all problems. What I would like to hear is not "sorry the systen is flawed", it is "sorry, I exploited a loophole in the system".

Bullets

I've been neglecting this diary. I think I need to start writing again. It's something I need to do

Here's some things I could have written about in the last couple of weeks, but didn't:

The boy started nursery. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this, but only in passing. He really liked it to begin with. Then he had a few bad days when he really didnt want to go. Now he seems to have found himself again and he likes to go. I suppose going to nursery is a huge step in the life of a three-year-old. He seems to be taking it in his stride anyway.

We went to the Swindon-Cricklade Railway on Saturday. That's always a good day. You pay £5 to get in, and then you can ride on the steam train as many times as you like. I like it because they haven't restored the soul out of it. They have a couple of stations, a few trains, and quite a lot of rolling stock. There are a few cracked windows and a bit of peeling paint. Discarded bits of engine and railway sleepers are to be found lying around, and the carpark is a field. The steam train broke down while we were there, which all added to the fun. There was also a beer festival, which was great, except I was driving, so I could only have one.

The boy is getting interested in words and language now. He has a set of sponge letters to play with in the bath and he can now pick out the letters to spell his name and write it on the wall. Have I writetn about this before? It sounds familiar. Anyway, I think that's pretty damn good for a just-three-year-old. We have a bunch of fridge magnet letters and Chinese characters for him to play with on the front of the fridge now too.

The National ID Card scheme, is to be launched in Manchester apparently. The Home Secretary, who appears to be inhabiting some paralell universe claims that demand will be high. Government figures show that 59% of people are in favour of ID Cards. Well lets see how many people on the streets of Manchester decide to go in and spend £60 on an id card. I'm guessing it won't be very many. I'm quite looking forward to seeing Jacqui Smith explaining why no one is enroling. Except, it's being reported that Smith is not going to survive a cabinet reshuffle in June. A reshuffle is expected after the government performs apallingly badly in local and European elections on 4 June. I'm quite looking forward to that too.

Do you know thw Euro Millions lottery jackpot on Friday is £110,000,000. I bought a ticket. I don't know how to tell if I won though. Friend Dickie says it's an idiot tax, but he'll be laughing on the other side of his face when I roll up in my Bentley.