Frankenstein Post

I wrote things to go here three or four times last week, but events conspired against me, so this is to be a frankenstein document of all those things I didn't post.

Heard in the office today (last week):
Office worker 1: Blimey, that was short skirt, not that I was looking or anything.
Office worker 2 (dribbling slightly): No, I didn't see her either.

The new bedroom in the sky is finished. We had an opening ceremony and everything. See the video on the dragon's youtube channel here.

The boy is happily installed in said new bedroom, so we have a spare room. He didn't quite make it in on his birthday, but it was only a day or two late. The stupid delivery guy managed to drop part of the new bed when he delivered it, so we're waiting on a spare part for that. Also, the storage drawers beneath the bed were missing a part, so they aren't yet complete either. I bought the boy a CD player shaped like a giant lego brick for his birthday by the way, which is comepletely awesome. He also got a very rugged digital camera.

I had to rush home from work one day last week to go to a parents' meeting at the boy's school. It's not his school until September technically. I was under the naive impression that all we had to do was drop him off there on the first day of term and "Robert's your mother's brother" as they say. Apparently not. We have a one-to-one meeting with his teacher, a mountain of paperwork to complete, and he has to attend several days before the start of term to aclimatise. They don't seem to have just teachers at school anymore. They have things like educational development advisors, and childcare supervisors. Is it just fashionable to add "isor" at the end of titles? That would make me a Technical Authorisor". Amongst other things we were asked to make sure that children could dress and undress themselves before they start school. The boy can already do this, but I usually help him in the mornings. This morning I asked him to dress entirely unaided, and when I came back he was all dressed perfectly. I'm such a good daddy.

Did I mention that I received my bicycle prize? It came in pieces. Had to build it myself. It went together quite well though and the dragon gave it a test drive. The brakes make a noise, but it's very cool. I need to get a rack for the back and some mudguards. I had a look at some racks yesterday and the cheapest one I could find at Halfords was £26. Now I think that's a lot of money for a piece of bent metal. I'll look in Tesco for a rack and mudguads. You can buy anything at Tesco now.

I bought a chicken last weeekend to roast because it was the boy's birthday. I needed to weigh it, but I haven't trusted the kitchen scales since I bounced them off the kitchen floor a week or so ago. This series of events conspired to find me standing on the bathroom scales holding a raw chicken on Saturday afternoon. Stay with me, there's a point to this. The scales said I weighed just over 72kg. That can't be right I thought to myself, so I put my chicken down and stood upon said scales again; just over 70kg. That's right ladies and genmtlemen, for the first time in my life I'm apparently over 70kg. Isn't that disgusting? I'm officially a fat bastard, right before easter when the chocoalte eggs get laid too.

Perhaps 70kg may not sound like very much, but I'm not exactly Andre the Giant, more like Dopey the Dwarf in fact. And it was all the fault of that bloody chicken. Had I not been standing on the bathroom scales with the damn thing I'd be sitting here in blissful ignorance now and I would probably have eaten one of the doughnuts currently looking outrageously fattening in the office kitchen. I'm told they are jam filled. Anyway I think it may be time to let some air out of the spare tyre.

I've just had to pay £142.50, yes £142.50, for a tv licence. I object to the outrageous price just because it's outrageous, but I doubly object to it because the licensing authority are bloody liars and they owe me money. When I left the country they said I couldn't have a refund on the unused portion of my licence but I could use it when I returned. When I returned they said I should have asked for a refund. See, lying bastards.

Interesting news stuff that you may have missed:

James "The Amazing" Randi has come out as gay this week at the age of 81 years. I'm a huge James Randi fan. I think he's probably the most significant magician of the 20th Century. He once escaped from a straight jacket while suspended upside down over Niagra Falls. He also spent 104 minutes in a coffin submerged in water, beating Houdini's record. He swapped Uri Gellar's spoons over just before his appearance on the Jonny Carson show and left Gellar looking like an idiot because he couldn't bend them. And he exposed Peter Popoff the Fraudulant Evangelist resulting in his going to prison. Coolest man in the whole wide world, surely.

Samantha Cameron has a tattoo of a dolphin on her ankle. Sexy or slutty? Could go either way I think.

Pete Doherty has been arrested on suspicion of supplying the illegal drugs that killed heiresss Robin Whitehead. The guy just can't behave himself can he.

Facebook has been blamed for, oh everything, including the spread of syphilis. Huh?

And today it has emerged that Ricky Martin is gay. Come on, is anyone even slighty surprised? I'm wondering whether it has anything to do with the James Randi news. Coincidence? Maybe?

That's it, I'm done, you may go.