Best Gordon Brown Quote Yet

This is the best Gordon Brown quote I have yet heard:

"I take full responsibility for what happened. That's why the person who was responsible went immediately."

He was talking about the Labour email smear scandal. And in case you think I've paraphrased or quoted out of context, here it is on YouTube. Look out for the guy in the background that suddenly realises he's in the shot and wishes he wasn't. That quote made it into Private Eye this week, and Have I Got News For You.

I'm going to talk about the UK smoking ban. It's illegal now in Britain to smoke inside in any structure where people are employed. So that means pubs, clubs, shops, trains, buses, even your car if it's provided by your employer. I don't smoke and consequently I find that almost everywhere is now rather nicer to be, because there is no smoke. My libertarian core however recognises that the ban is in fact an assault on civil liberties. So, although I think the world became a nicer place when smoking was restricted, I'm not sure it was in fact the right thing to do. That's just so you know my position on this one.

The argument in favour of banning smoking in public places goes something like this:

If you smoke near someone else, that person will involuntarily inhale your smoke and their health may suffer as a result of passive smoking. Therefore you should not be allowed to smoke in any place where other people are unable to avoid your smoke because they are employed there.

It's a bit woolly really because there is no firm evidence that passive smoking is actually dangerous, but the argument is logical in my view. I think we have to accept that, given what we know about tobacco,inhaling second-hand smoke really can't be good for a person. I have always broadly accepted the validity of this argument. But last night I was listening to the radio and I heard a new argument that goes something like this:

OK, we believe that second hand smoke is probably not good for you, might even kill you, so we ban it to prevent innocent people being affected by this smoke. There is a much stronger, causal link however between people drinking alcohol, driving cars, and then killing someone. Should we ban alcohol too?

This argument came at me out of nowhere. I'd never even considered this one before. It took me a few minutes to work out the flaw in it. We haven't banned smoking, we've only banned it in public places where other people can be affected. In the same way, we don't need to ban alcohol, we only need to ban it behind the wheel of the car where it can affect other people, and that is exactly what has happened. So, my view hasn't really changed, but I thought the new argument was interesting.

Watching my Language

The boy has a toy croquet set in a draw-string bag. He brought the bag to me a few days ago because he couldn't open it. He handed it to me and said, "How the hell do I open this?", which is probably a sign that I should be watching my language.

This weekend I repainted the fence. It looks like a very little fence normally. It runs along the top of the garden wall so people can't look over and see me sunbathing naked. When painting it, it seems much longer. I bought a large bucket of "light oak" fence preserver to do the job. It actually should have been called "radioactive orange" fence preserver. It was on special offer in Homebase. It wasn't enough to do the whole fence however, so I Went back to get a second bucket. They didn't have any light oak left, so I got "cedar red" to do the other side of the fence. That was, if anything, slightly brighter than the light oak. It does seem to have calmed down now that it has dried.

I've also planted three, yes three, varieties of tomato, and I can report that my crop of white radish, and garlic are coming on very well. We've also managed a spectacular crop of tulips this year.

Do you know you can control the colour of hydrangeas? Apparently they tend to give blue flowers when in acidic soil, and more pink flowers in alkaline soil. This is because the blue colour is a result of aluminium salts, which are not present in alkaline soil. This I know because the dragon specifically wanted a blue one, and it started going pink almost as soon as we put it in a pot. So, I've bought some hydrangea blue-ing compound. I suppose I should take before and after pictures.

The government is now 19% behind the Conservative party in a poll commissioned by the Independent newspaper. That would give the Tories a majority of 186 seats. There is some evidence to suggest that the poll is a reaction to the disastrous budget rather than positive feeling towards the opposition.

I hadn't realised that Carla Bruni, the wife of President Sarkosy, had such a racey past. According to various sources, "highly intimate" pictures and video footage of Ms Bruni have been stolen in a burglary. It also emerged that before she was married to the French Pres, Carla had steamy affairs with loads of people including Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, and Philosopher Jean-Paul Enthoven. And here is the interesting part; it appears that the "intimate pictures" were of Bruni with Jean-Paul Enthoven's son, Raphael Enthoven, the father of her child. I didn't know she had a child! It all sounds a bit dodgy if you ask me. Not only did she dump her lover in favour of his son, she recorded the event in glorious technicolour! Raphael Enthoven's brother was then entrusted with the pictures, but thieves apparently knew exactly where to find them, taking prints, a camera full of pictures, and computer files.

I made the mistake of reading the above story in the Sun first. The Sun hinted that the "intimate pictures were porn. In fact that is not the case, they're just family photos that she wanted to keep private.

Happy St George's Day

So, happy St. George's day to everyone. I bet you didn't even know it was his birthday did you? Well it is. It was the Queen's birthday this week too. She was 83 on Tuesday. I find this worrying. She's well past retirement age, and I'm not keen on jug ears moving into the driving seat.

***

I think I know how to solve the economic downturn, at least in Britain. Incidentally, why is it an "economic downturn" this time? In the 80s it was a "recession". Anyway, the way to solve it hit me yesterday. All we do is replace all treasury staff with the board of directors from Tesco. They seem to have their collective finger on the pulse. They just announced record £3 billion profits at a time when everybody else is pawning the family silver. Good voodoo if you ask me.

***

I'm almost certain I live opposite a cannabis farm. I don't approve, but I'm not the sort to dob my neighbour in to the coppers. Well OK, I'm considering it, I can't lie to you. I'm thinking that if he's growing seriously, then he must be dealing. And I think he is growing seriously because I can see foliage and all his lighting gear from our upstairs windows. That of course makes him a bit of a knob. Who grows pot in an upstairs bedroom and leaves the blind open?

OK, I want advice. Do I dob the guy in, or do I pretend I didn't see it? I wonder if I would feel the same if I didn't have a three year old that walks up and down that road every day. If I notice dealing activity, I'm going to shop the dude. Actually, I did see a car parked up there last night and a conversation take place between the farmer and the driver.

***

The boy has just started nursery three mornings a week, just round the corner from the cannabis farm. He seems to like it. I was thinking he might be a bit scared because he's never been without his parents for any length of time. He doesn't appear to give a toss however. He likes the toy tractor there, and the motorbike apparently.

***

I think I have a fake £1 coin. There has been lots in the news lately about forgeries. I can't make the vending machine at work take it, and it looks the wrong colour.

***

Budget day yesterday. Borrowing is at an all time high and all the papers are running witty "Robin Hood" headlines. Apparently we will now be offered £2,000 to scrap cars over 10 years old. The money has to be put towards a new car however. This is being done to stimulate the dying car industry. I have issues with this. I have a car over 10 years old, but I wasn't planning to replace it because I can't afford the £8,000 required to buy a new one. In fact, I still can't afford it even with a £2,000 discount. I guess it does mean that my car, which was probably worth £700 yesterday, is worth a little more today because, lets face it, everyone who was planning to buy a new car is now going to be looking for a 10-year-old car to buy and then scrap immediately to get the £2K right? Seems to me that it will be the £50 wrecks that will be most in demand however.

Anyway, point is, I can't see people with 10 year old cars scrapping them and buying new ones. People with 10 year old cars can't afford new ones, even with a £2,000 discount.

***

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. I'm having a filling, so I'll be in a foul mood all day.

Finding Things

I found a lottery ticket blowing around the front garden at the weekend. Clearly a sign, a higher force at work I thought. There were four plays on it, and the draw was for 28 Mar. So I checked the numbers, and guess what...

... in four plays, only one number came up. There should be a prize for doing that badly. Anyway, it wasn't worth anything. But, the following day news broke that someone in Swindon did find a winning lottery ticket which netted them £30k, and they were proseuted. It was found just walking distance from the house. So, I might well have landed up in jail if I had tried to claim anything.

I'm having a strange week for finding things actually. Last night while walking home I found someone's car key lying on the ground. I called the police station when I got home to ask if there was somewhere I could hand it in. They were unhelpful and spoke to me like an idiot. So I drove all the way to Gablecross police station to hand it in. That would be about six miles. Then, this morning I found 50p in change at the station. I toyed with the idea of putting it in the charity box at work, but temptation came over me and I bought a copy of Private Eye at the station news agent instead. The Eye actually cost £1.50, so there are winners and losers all round here.

I wrote to my MP again on Wednesday. It's been several weeks since the old bat heard from me, so it was about time. I wonder if she claims second home expenses. Anyway, this time it was about rail fares. Have I done this rant already? Whatever, I'm doing it again, it'll make me feel better. My bloody ticket price increased by 18% in January. However, since the price increase was achieved by withdrawing discounts rather than actually increasing the face value of the ticket, they've managed to sneak it in without too much bad publicity. The upshot is however, that I now pay £235 a month for my ticket as opposed to £200 in December. That works out at just a little under £3000 a year, for a 15 minute journey! I can't justify it any more. I'm going to start driving from next month when my ticket runs out.

Talking of MPs, Damian Green, shadow immigration secretary has had the case against him dropped. In case you don't remember, he was arrested after releasing figures the government thought were secret. The police made an embarrassing hash of things when they raided his Whitehall office without a warrant. Jacqui Smith was responsible for the decision to arrest Green. She now has more egg on her face. As if she doesn't have enough problems with her porn watching husband and the on-going expenses row.

It's Friday, I'm tired.

Frog Spawn

14 April

I made a spectacular fish pie last night with three types of fish, three types ladies and gentlemen, and prawns! You should have seen it. It was a work of art.

We have tadpoles in our garden. I collected frog spawn from the canal with the boy. It's really fun to watch the little blighters wriggling around. We have far too many. I'm going to put some back in the canal and keep a few so we can watch them develop. I haven't done this for 30 years.

The boy is three now. We bought him a little bicycle, which he loves. We also bought a special seat so he can seat on the adult bicycle while one of us drives. He also likes that because he goes much faster.

I've decided that Formula 1 motor racing is becoming a joke. I used to like watching it. I even went to Brands Hatch a couple of times. I saw Nigel Mansell win there. But that was in the days when the racing was about a driver and a team using their skills to make cars go fast on the track. This season there have only been two races so far. In Australia Lewis Hamilton fought his way up into the top three from 17th place or something, only to be stripped of his points hours later after it became clear that some obscure overtaking rule had been breached. Then there was the race in Malaysia. Jenson Button came home first for the second race in a row, but he is still waiting for a ruling on whether his car is legal. If the first two races of the season are decided in a court room instead of on the track, that represents a problem for me. The rules are too complicated.

Gordon Brown would seem to be in all sorts of trouble over nasty emails designed to embarrass the enemy. In the words of my brother, "he must feel like the captain of the Titanic". Something doesn't seem quite right about this email scandal if you ask me. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's odd that we don't know how these mails entered the public domain. I think it's even more odd that someone like Damian McBride, with all his skill and experience, did something so monumentally stupid. Circulating stories about politicians that you can't back up with evidence is like taking the pin out of a hand grenade and putting it in your pocket isn't it?

Phil Spector has been found guilty of murder Can there be anyone on the planet surprised by that verdict?

15 April

It would appear that Jenson Button's car has been ruled legal. So I guess he keeps his points for wins in Australia and Malaysia. They were talking about changing the points system this season, but it was so unpopular that the decision was reversed just days before the first race. Ridiculous, someone should start a rival championship.

The dude that developed genetic fingerprinting has been using some very strong language to illustrate his position regarding the UK DNA database, and he isn't supporting the government. The UK DNA database is the largest in the world. It includes millions of records. The current policy is to take DNA samples from everyone arrested, and then retain the records on the database forever, even if that person is subsequently found to be entirely innocent. That means that there are hundreds of thousands of innocent people's records stored. No one seems to be quite sure how many, but a significant number appear to be children. The thing is, the practice has been ruled illegal by the European high court, and the government is going to have to respond to the ruling.

Rumour has it the the government response will be to delete the records of innocent people, but retain the original DNA samples. It's a story worth reading if you happen to be British. Click here.

How big is the moon?

Last night I was in the garden looking at the moon with the boy. I asked him how far away he thought the moon was, but he wasn't really sure about it, so I asked him how big it was. He decided that it was "very big", so I asked him, "as big as a house?" He thought about that for a moment, and shook his head, "I think, as big as a fire engine", he said. I was expecting him to say something like apple, or orange, but apparently "fire engine" is the right answer as far as he is concerned. What do Americans call fire engines? I've been thinking about this ever since the conversation last night. Fire Truck?

I've been reading one of the boy's books about growing vegetables in the garden and there are instructions in there on how to build a wormery for composting your kitchen waste. It looks really fun, but you seem to need about 500 special worms. You can get them by mail order here. I really want to have a go at it.

I haven't written much here lately. It's not that I don't want to, but I am short of hours in the day currently. I'll try and make some time.

The above I wrote yesterday (Monday), then saved it on my laptop, and then locked my laptop in my desk drawer at work - doh!

I should mention the Home Secretary and her current woes. I know it's wrong to revel in other people's misery, but Jacqui Smith is the most loathsome woman on the planet, and when I heard that her husband had been caught watching porn while she was away, and then charging it to her expenses, I almost cracked open a bottle of Bollinger. I have to say, since Tony Blair has gone, Smith has been promoted to the position of most odious British politician, on my list anyway. This porn scandal of course comes within weeks of the discovery that she was claiming £2,000 a month on expenses for her second home in Redditch because her first home was a spare room in her sister's flat in London. And despite the fact that the public are ready to lynch her, she's still trying to defend herself.

Since the Smith revelations it has emerged that Tony McNulty, employment minister, has been claiming expenses on his second home in London, though he doesn't live there, his parents do, and his "first home" is only 11 miles from parliament. Also Geoff Hoon, former defence minister, was apparently claiming expenses for his "second home" in Derby while letting out his London home and living in a grace and favour apartment down the road, also funded by public money. And of course the Chancellor of the exchequer, Alistair Darling, has now been caught claiming second home expenses for his London house while renting it out. He has use of 11 Downing Street in London, the official residence of the chancellor of course. Oh yes, he has a third tax payer funded home in Edinburgh as well.

So, who is the biggest benefit fraud here? I'd like to think it was Jacqui Smith. She has apparently claimed £116,000 so far in second home expenses, and she employs her husband, the fat bloke who watches dodgy porn while she's away, for £40,000 a year as her "assistant". However, I think the prize might go to Alistair Darling, who is managing to to claim expenses on a home he rents out, while having the use of two other properties funded by the tax payer. I make that four homes if you include his constituency home, one of which makes him a profit from rent, and three of which are entirely funded by the tax payer, class act!

And as we go to press it emerges that Margaret Beckett, housing minister, yes housing minister, has also been claiming a second home allowance on a London home while living in a tax payer funded grace and favour home down the road. She was renting out her London home, to another MP, Gillian Merron, who was, wait for it, also claiming second home expenses. I take it back, the prize for the biggest benefit cheat has to go to Mrs Beckett. Only she has so far managed to engineer a second home expenses claim that has resulted in the public paying for the same home twice, while she was making a profit on it and living round the corner in another residence paid for by the tax payer.

There should be rioting in the street.