I'm still here

I know, I haven't written anything for days. There is nothing wrong. I've just been busy doing other stuff. I'm ready for Christmas now however, and I'll soon get back to writing here. We're off to Devon tomorrow for a couple of days. I'll keep a video diary or something. I can't see it getting published before the new year however.

Apparently it's the coldest winter in 30 years or something. Doesn't seem cold to me. Here's a picture of the boy in a hat.



And the boy without a hat.



Merry Christmas people. Be nice to each other.

Pre-Christmas Panic

I haven't written for days. Well, actually I have, but nothing that got finished. It's the pre-Christmas panic. Every free second is spent shopping, licking stamps, wrapping things, looking for a parking space, etc. I don't hate Christmas, just a few things about Christmas.

We went to Devon for the weekend. It peed down with rain on Friday night. There was some discussion about whether we should attempt the journey. In fact there was very little trouble on the roads The trains all died of course. So I guess I was lucky I didn't have to come to work that day.

Nothing very exciting happened at the weekend. The Boy managed to pee on his Grandma's computer chair. So he's now peed on the rocking chair, the computer chair, and the bed there. I don't understand it. He doesn't have accidents anywhere else. Mummy was boiling with rage.

On the plus side, we went to Barnestaple and we have just about got all the Christmas shopping done. There are a few little things to do, and lots of wrapping and sending, but I think all major presents are taken care of. Being Father Christmas is an expensive business I've discovered. Filling a stocking is more than a few pennies and requires imagination. I am however having quite a lot of fun with that.

Since Woolworth's announced that it is closing down and selling off stock, the in-store scrums have worsened. I don't think I would go in without a crash helmet and cricket box now. I can't believe any of teh bargains can be that good.

The BBC reports that Google has released its annual Zeitgeist listing. Apparently this is simply a list of the year's most popular and fastest rising search terms. If you look on the Google site itself, you can even get a country by country breakdown. I don't actually give a toss what people are searching for to be honest, but one thing that strikes me as odd is that every top-ten list of popular search terms published by Google seems to include only fairly wholesome and morally justifiable searches. Not one mention of the word "sex", "nude", or even "paparazzi" seems to appear in any of those lists, not once. Do we believe the world is this wholesome, or do we believe that Google might just be tweaking their data?

Did you notice that Gordon Brown managed to make an arse of himself at PMQs Thursday? Whilst answering questions on the economy he was attempting to explain how he had "saved the banks". Such was his passion however, that he tripped over his own words and claimed to have, "saved the world" instead. There were peels of laughter, the like of which I never remember before in the House of Commons. Gordon however remained sombre. Not the tiniest hint of a smile came to his stony face as he waited for what to him must have seemed like an eternity, for the laughter to subside. For the briefest of moments, as the leader of the opposition took his opportunity to make fun of the PM, he did allow the corners of his mouth to turn up just a little. But it was gone almost as soon as it appeared. Do we want a PM that can't laugh at himself?

Ireland is to hold a second referendum on the Lisbon Treaty. In case you've been on Mars, the Lisbon Treaty was drawn up to pave the way for a Euro President amongst other things. It was born from the rubble of a previous treaty that was rejected by the French and the Dutch. And it is almost exactly the same document. It looked as though it was bound to be ratified, and then the Irish loused it all up by voting No in a referendum. They were the only European state to hold a referendum. It was a great day for people power if you ask me. However, it is to be submitted again to the Irish people, who are being bribed with concessions, whatever that means.

The question we should be asking ourselves is, why when countries vote Yes in an EU referendum, do they never get a chance to vote again, whereas they do when they vote No? Well one answer is, that no one actually has voted Yes in an EU referendum in the last 30 years. Which should probably tell us something.

Surely there can't be a person in the world who hasn't now seen the video of George W ducking the flying shoes. I have to say I was mildly impressed with his reflexes. The footage would have been much funnier had the shoes bounced off his head, but still, it was worth seeing. And you have to hand it to the bowler, he didn't miss by much, and that was quite a distance. The reporter who threw the footwear is now in custody, but it seems there is a certain amount of support for the guy.

Bah Humbug

I've been Christmas shopping. I love wrestling through crowds of ignorant people to buy over-priced crap, and circling car parks for hours trying to find somewhere to put the car. Shopping in Woolworths is currently a full contact sport. You really don't want to be going in there with children by the way, your life expectancy plummets.

Yes it's that time of year again. A walk from one end of the high-street to the other now includes about a dozen father Christmases shaking collecting tins at you, and a selection of assorted weirdos bent on saving you from eternal damnation. I was so pleased to see that the Lapland theme park in The New Forest was shut down last week after violence erupted. Father Christmas was reportedly assaulted by angry visitors, and an elf was 'smacked in the mouth' according to one security guard. I so wish that had been caught on film. I saw a very pissed-off looking elf sitting on a toadstool outside Santa's Grotto at the Swindon Outlet Village yesterday. It was the highlight of my afternoon.

In an effort to buy something achingly funny for Christmas for my brother on Saturday I purchased a pair of National Geographic, Night Vision Goggles. I thought we could play murder in the dark on Christmas night or something. However, if you're reading this Nick, don't get excited/disappointed, I took them back. They were horse-shit! I don't know what I was thinking. I saw "Night Vision" and assumed that you could see in the dark with them. Alas no, apparently in this sense "Night Vision" is a euphemism for "Plastic Joke-Shop Glasses with a Light on the Front". I've written a suitably sarcastic email to National Geographic pointing out that they should be ashamed of their marketing methods, and I've dropped a line to the ASA.

Swindon Town Council were planning to errect a 40ft Christmas tree in the centre of the town's Magic Roundabout this weekend. It turned into a farce however because the tree they received was too big for the base they had built and it broke. No doubt Swindon police managed to cause chaos and close the road for hours. I didn't notice. I must have been fighting other happy Christmas shoppers in Woolworths at the time.

Also this weekend, I made an awesome fish pie with two, yes two, types of fish and prawns. And I made the white sauce from scratch. It doesn't get much better than that.

Hoisted by their Own Petard

Oh what a most terribly exciting day. It would appear that the European Court of Human Rights has ruled against the UK government and declared that retaining fingerprints and DNA records of people not convicted of any crime is a breach of human rights. Oh happy, happy day.

Currently 20% of the UK DNA database consists of records from people arrested, but never convicted of anything. Two such people took their cases to the European High Court, after they were thrown out by the House of Lords in London, and they won. And you know what that means; it means anyone else in the same position could essentially do the same. There is no appeal. There is no higher court. The government has lost.

Now it's not often you'll find me cheering for Europe, but in this case I'll make an exception. I just love the irony here. The Pro-Europe UK government, hoisted by their own petard. The Euroskeptic opposition laughing their collective arse off. I feel like running round the carpark singing, "Oh what a beautiful Morning", in my best Howard Keel voice, but I won't.

The Home Office response to the European ruling on the DNA database was, "The existing law will remain in place while we carefully consider the judgement." So they will continue to retain DNA taken from people arrested and subsequently released without conviction while they think about it! What is there to think about? You said this very week that parliament was not above the law, and the law says you're acting illegally.

The cow in the HOme Office is actually having a bad morning. She's also had to defend herself in the Commons over the Damian Green fiasco. The police, the Speaker, and the Home Secretary are looking more chaotic every moment.

What's with all the blue Christmas lights this year? It's not right you know. Red, silver, gold, they're Christmas colours. This is all down to blue leds. Blue leds suddenly become available and they're all over the place. The same thing happened in the 70s when we suddenly found that you could make furniture out of plastic. It wasn't until the 80s that we realised that it was only good for garden furniture, and even then it had a tendency to collapse under fat people holding beer, thus providing hilarious material for countless home video clip shows. Anyway, blue Christmas lights, they're all wrong, someone should do something about it.

Up My Nose

You know something that really gets up my nose? I'll tell you; those bloody people that sit in the quiet carriage on the train talking on their bleeding mobile phones. There's a dirty great notice on the door explaining in words of one syllable that mobile phones are not welcome, It's not hard to grasp. There are even pictures stuck on the windows of mobile phones with a red line through them, and seat cover things on every seat with the same sign. Yet almost every day I sit down, open a book, and some twerp starts a conversation next to me.

If I'm feeling brave I nudge the twerp and point to the notice. This invariably leads to the twerp pretending he didn't see the plethora of signs, apologising, and taking his conversation outside. Today was different. Today I sit down, open my book, and the prat in front of me (mid forties, suit, balding) gets a phone call. I'm not a complete pedant, I let it go on about 10 minutes, but I'm fed up, so I think to myself, what the hell, my station's coming up anyway, might as well get shirty. So I get up, poke him and point at the sign. He stops talking and looks at me, and I figure he's just going to carry on staring unless I say something, so I do:

Me: It's the quiet carriage. You're not supposed to use mobile phones in here.
Twerp: It's OK, they called me. I didn't make the call.

I really wasn't expecting this, but I have a pretty fast mouth on me, so I decide I'm not going to let it lie.

Me: [In the most outrageously sarcastic tone I can muster] Oh, I had no idea that the rules were different for receiving calls. You're allowed to use phones if someone calls you are you?

Twerp: Yes

Again, I'm not really expecting this and to be honest I'm still not sure whether this is as serious defence, or if he's just taking the piss, but the gloves are off now and I can't stop once I'm rolling.

Me: Oh, that's all right then. [pause and turn to leave, pause again, turn back, I notice he's started his conversation again, shake my head] Wanker!

I called him a wanker. I mean, it was perfectly justified. He was a complete wanker, but it's not a word I use, and it's really uncharted water for me. So I'm standing there, thinking blimey, where the hell did that come from, and I realise that the wanker wasn't expecting it either. He splutters, stops talking in mid sentence, and looks at me. So I smile as best I can and walk away, dignity intact. I've timed it perfectly as the train is just pulling into the station and the aisle is suddenly crowded. I'm slightly bothered that he's going to pull a gun or something, but he doesn't. So I live to fight another day, but come to think of it, it probably wasn't very sensible.

On to a completely different theme:

My soap is quite hard, but not properly hard, so I didn't take it out of the mould last night. I'm going to try again tonight. I don't know how hard it's supposed to be before I do the cutting and un-moulding.

UPDATE:
Soap has hardened nicely, it's now 9.50pm, and has been de-moulded.

There is to be an investigation into the inquiry into the leaking of Home Office documents that I covered yesterday. Yes I know that sounds ridiculous. In simple terms, Damian Green (Conservative MP) received leaked Home Office documents which he then made public. He was then raided by anti-terrorist storm troopers. The raid was controversial and formed part of the "inquiry" by the Met Police into the leaks. There is now to be an investigation into the inquiry, see?

Well anyway, here's the funny bit, stay with me, you're going to laugh. The inquiry was controversial because it looked very much like the government in general and the Home Office in particular were influencing the police. That's why there is to be an investigation. The investigation however has been commissioned by the Met police, the same police who carried out the controversial inquiry in the first place. So, of course they will conclude that they were not influenced by government and they acted entirely properly. But, and this is the good bit, the guy running the investigation is going to be Ian Johnston, British Transport Police Chief. And he's been appointed to head this investigation by Sir Paul Stephenson, acting Met Police Chief, who incidentally has a command of English that reminds me of John Prescott.

OK, anyone see a problem yet? OK, let me just add one more fact. Sir Paul Stephenson has applied for the job of Met Police Chief. The successful applicant will be appointed by, wait for it, the Home Secretary. How likely do you think it is that his investigation is going to incriminate the Home Secretary at a time when he wants her make him the most senior policeman in the country?

Deep Dread

I approached the train station with a feeling of deep dread this morning. There were buses lined up outside the entrance and that can only mean one thing; "alternative road transport" was being offered. That only happens when some catastrophic disaster has hit the rail network, like mice on the line, or design fault with drivers' gloves discovered. This morning it was comprehensive signal failure. Actually I was lucky, or at least, not as unlucky as some. I managed to get a train running two hours late or something that took me where I wanted. I arrived 30 minutes late for work, but no one noticed. If I can't get home this evening, I'm suing.

I seem to have a cold. I've caught it from my son. We've all had it now. I don't feel too bad. I felt pretty grim yesterday.

I've been making soap. It's terribly exciting. You have to use dangerous chemicals. I don't know if it's worked yet. I've poured it into moulds to set. I can take it out of the moulds this evening, but it has to be left another four weeks before we can use it. I'll let you know how it goes.

My wife has been secretly making advent calendars. I knew she was up to something, but didn't know what. It's not the traditional open-a-window type, it's a 24-packets-hanging-on-a-Christmas-tree type. I feel a bit bad because she made one for me and one for the boy, but I didn't do anything for her, so I'll do something, but not sure what yet.

OK, boring political bit. Ignore this if you want:

Damian Green, shadow immigration minister has been arrested, his home and his offices have been raided and searched by anti-terrorist police, and he has been accused of "grooming" a civil servant who was leaking Home Office documents to him. He was held and questioned for nine hours, before being bailed without charge.

Has he done anything wrong? Well in real terms what happened was this; the Home Office was keeping quiet about some embarrassing news, like the fact that they knew of several thousand illegal immigrants employed as security guards, and that there was an illegal immigrant working as a cleaner in Whitehall. Green has a friend in the Home Office who quietly gave him this information, and Green told the public. Nothing leaked by Green or his accomplice was protected by the Official Secrets act. It was merely information that the government decided not to release because it was embarrassing. This kind of leaking is standard practice in Whitehall. It may not be pretty, but it's happened for centuries and it is a way of keeping government open. The PM himself has along history of publishing leaks for instance.

This story is now all over the news for several reasons. Firstly, the police, and especially anti-terror police, very rarely get involved in something as trivial as Whitehall leaks. Secondly, just about everyone outside the Home Office agrees that the information should have been released to the public anyway. Thirdly, and most importantly, it looks very much like the government orchestrated this police activity, which has led to accusations of a Police State.

The Home Office is now in very deep smeg indeed. Jacqui Smith has declared that she knew nothing of the arrest until after it happened. But no one believes her since both the London Mayor and the Conservative leader do seem to have known about it in advance. Within the government there are very few ministers willing to support Smith. Jack Straw, and Harriet Harman have both expressed some concern at the police activity, and the PM has said that the arrest of Mr Green had raised "difficult and sensitive issues".

Here's my prediction; it will be revealed this week that Jacqui Smith lied about not knowing of the arrest in advance, and she will lose her job.