Up My Nose

You know something that really gets up my nose? I'll tell you; those bloody people that sit in the quiet carriage on the train talking on their bleeding mobile phones. There's a dirty great notice on the door explaining in words of one syllable that mobile phones are not welcome, It's not hard to grasp. There are even pictures stuck on the windows of mobile phones with a red line through them, and seat cover things on every seat with the same sign. Yet almost every day I sit down, open a book, and some twerp starts a conversation next to me.

If I'm feeling brave I nudge the twerp and point to the notice. This invariably leads to the twerp pretending he didn't see the plethora of signs, apologising, and taking his conversation outside. Today was different. Today I sit down, open my book, and the prat in front of me (mid forties, suit, balding) gets a phone call. I'm not a complete pedant, I let it go on about 10 minutes, but I'm fed up, so I think to myself, what the hell, my station's coming up anyway, might as well get shirty. So I get up, poke him and point at the sign. He stops talking and looks at me, and I figure he's just going to carry on staring unless I say something, so I do:

Me: It's the quiet carriage. You're not supposed to use mobile phones in here.
Twerp: It's OK, they called me. I didn't make the call.

I really wasn't expecting this, but I have a pretty fast mouth on me, so I decide I'm not going to let it lie.

Me: [In the most outrageously sarcastic tone I can muster] Oh, I had no idea that the rules were different for receiving calls. You're allowed to use phones if someone calls you are you?

Twerp: Yes

Again, I'm not really expecting this and to be honest I'm still not sure whether this is as serious defence, or if he's just taking the piss, but the gloves are off now and I can't stop once I'm rolling.

Me: Oh, that's all right then. [pause and turn to leave, pause again, turn back, I notice he's started his conversation again, shake my head] Wanker!

I called him a wanker. I mean, it was perfectly justified. He was a complete wanker, but it's not a word I use, and it's really uncharted water for me. So I'm standing there, thinking blimey, where the hell did that come from, and I realise that the wanker wasn't expecting it either. He splutters, stops talking in mid sentence, and looks at me. So I smile as best I can and walk away, dignity intact. I've timed it perfectly as the train is just pulling into the station and the aisle is suddenly crowded. I'm slightly bothered that he's going to pull a gun or something, but he doesn't. So I live to fight another day, but come to think of it, it probably wasn't very sensible.

On to a completely different theme:

My soap is quite hard, but not properly hard, so I didn't take it out of the mould last night. I'm going to try again tonight. I don't know how hard it's supposed to be before I do the cutting and un-moulding.

UPDATE:
Soap has hardened nicely, it's now 9.50pm, and has been de-moulded.

There is to be an investigation into the inquiry into the leaking of Home Office documents that I covered yesterday. Yes I know that sounds ridiculous. In simple terms, Damian Green (Conservative MP) received leaked Home Office documents which he then made public. He was then raided by anti-terrorist storm troopers. The raid was controversial and formed part of the "inquiry" by the Met Police into the leaks. There is now to be an investigation into the inquiry, see?

Well anyway, here's the funny bit, stay with me, you're going to laugh. The inquiry was controversial because it looked very much like the government in general and the Home Office in particular were influencing the police. That's why there is to be an investigation. The investigation however has been commissioned by the Met police, the same police who carried out the controversial inquiry in the first place. So, of course they will conclude that they were not influenced by government and they acted entirely properly. But, and this is the good bit, the guy running the investigation is going to be Ian Johnston, British Transport Police Chief. And he's been appointed to head this investigation by Sir Paul Stephenson, acting Met Police Chief, who incidentally has a command of English that reminds me of John Prescott.

OK, anyone see a problem yet? OK, let me just add one more fact. Sir Paul Stephenson has applied for the job of Met Police Chief. The successful applicant will be appointed by, wait for it, the Home Secretary. How likely do you think it is that his investigation is going to incriminate the Home Secretary at a time when he wants her make him the most senior policeman in the country?