Gay Penguins and Severed Monkey Heads

You know that song that Robert Shaw sings in Jaws:

Farewell and Adieu to you fair Spanish Ladies
Farewell and Adieu to you ladies of Spain

I just discovered that it's a nod to Herman Melville's Moby Dick. That very same song is sung by "sailors and harpooneers" just after they discover their captain is howling mad and that his only goal in life is to kill the great white whale that ate his leg. So there you go. That's your cultural lesson of the day. Actually, come to think of it, I'm sure Mr Punk and Abby have already read Moby Dick and know this, so I apologise if I appear ignorant.

I'm finding Moby Dick hard work by the way. Trousers is always spelt wrong, "trowsers". Must be some reason for it.

Oh, in case anyone is worried about me, the axe fell in my office, but it missed me. I'm told five people were lost, though no one seems to be able to identify them, and certainly no one I know. So, the house is not likely to be repossessed this month.

OK, lets talk about gay penguins. Apparently it's been discovered that gay penguins are attempting to abduct eggs from straight couples and replace them with stones in an attempt to become parents. This all sounds a bit far fetched to me, but the observations were seemingly made at Polar Land in Harbin, north east China. Gay penguins are easily recognised as they tend to know all the words to the songs from the Sound of Music and they use 3-in-1 hair products. Oh shut up, I'm joking.

Customs officials at Munich Airport were much taken aback when they opened a package to discover a decmposing monkey head within, complete with live maggots. Apparently they became suspicious of the parcel when they noticed the strange and vociferous odour which accompanied it. This raises questions for me. Over and above the obvious ones like, what the hell would anyone want with a severed monkey head, I wonder why the sender didn't realise that decay during transit was a distinct possibility.