Great Balls of Fire

5 January

Here's a good story that carries a warning to all men who are thinking about having an affair; an Australian man has died after his wife set fire to his genitals because she believed he was having an affair. According to the report, the wife doused her husband's love spuds in meths and set fire to them while he slept. Upon waking and noticing that his bollocks were on fire, he understandably panicked and knocked over the bottle of meths which made matters worse. I know we really shouldn't be laughing, but that's a Laurel and Hardy classic right there. The wife's defence is, "I only meant to burn his penis". I can't see her getting away with it myself.

It's snowing, and I hate snow. Yeah I know, bah humbug. But it's cold and wet, and for me snow represents only potential disasters; sliding out of a junction in front of a juggernaut, slipping arse over head down 200 concrete steps, getting stranded at work because the bleeding trains aren't running. The only good thing about snow is the fact that it comes in the middle of winter and I know it can only get better from here.

So, Adel-a-drie wants to know what the boy and the Dragon got or Christmas; I'll tell you. The boy got a motorised car thing that he can sit on, a space hopper, a Thomas Tank Engine game (which had to be returned with a fault, so we still owe him a present there), two of Thomas' friends to go on his Thomas railway set, and a stocking from Father Christmas with lots of nice little things in. The Dragon also got a Father Christmas stocking, which I had great fun assembling. I also bought her a really expensive cardigan, made of Mongolian yak hair or something, but that had to go back. To be fair, she debated for a long time before returning it, and I wasn't offended. I also bought her a pair of bright pink sparkly slipper socks which were a bit of a joke really, but actually she seems to like those. And she got a book of cockney ryming slang and another little book from her son about how great his mummy is. There were probably other things, but that is what I remember for now.

6 January

So, twelfth night then. Actually I got fed up with the decorations last night and took them down anyway. Is that bad luck? I know that leaving them up after twelfth night is very unlucky. I'm always quite glad when Christmas is over.

It's really cold here now. The temperature is forecast to drop to -10C in some places tonight. The snow that came yesterday is now lying as ice waiting to catch people out and kill them in the streets.

The dragon has been in UK for just about 3 years now, and that means she is eligible to apply for a British passport. She doesn't want to be British, but we're both fed up with the stress that comes from her not being British, so I think we will be applying for naturalisation. She has said that she won't do it if she has to give up her Taiwanese nationality. I respect and understand that. I think she can keep both, but we have to check before we make the application because a cock up may well result in us losing the fee, which is £650. Yes, another £650 just for the privilege of allowing me, a British subject and taxpayer, to live in his own country with his wife and child. At least it's £100 cheaper than last year's bill, and we don't have to submit hundreds of items of mail to prove where we live this time, at least I don't think we do. We do have to submit our marriage certificate, and her Life in the UK exam pass certificate. I have no idea why they want to see those documents again. God knows how many times they have been sent round the country, stamped, and returned. At least it should be an end to the battle anyway.

We can't start the application until end of February because the Dragon is going to be out of the country. She is going back to Taiwan in a couple of weeks with the boy. I'll join them in mid Feb and we'll come back together at the end of the month. See how complicated governments make life.

And finally, the Atheist Bus campaign that I mentioned a few weeks ago has begun. In case you missed it, the British Humanist Association backed a campaingn to raise money for atheist adverts to go on the sides of buses in London. The goal was to raise £6,000 to pay for the ads, but they actually raised about nine times that amount and the ads are now set to go nationwide from today. Whatever your point of view, I think this is a great thing. It stops people and makes them think, and that can be no bad thing.