User manual

Many things about fatherhood are depressing. I'm down to my last pair of trousers. All my others have been vomitted over. Last night the Dragon broke the kettle. She switched it on to warm up a bottle for the baby, but there was no water in it. It's not her fault, she's walking around like a zombie. But it meant I had to drive over to Sainsbury's for a replacement late into the night. Thank God for 24 hour supermarkets. I really thought that we'd turned a corner on Monday night. He only got us up once in the night. He's learning when to sleep, I thought. My hopes were dashed last night however when he decided that the hours of darkness were for singing and dancing. So this morning I rose after almost no sleep, burnt my hand on the oven attempting to warm up croissants, and drove to work on auto-pilot. Even the coffee was sub-standard because I didn't grind any beans last night and I had to use the scrapings at the bottom of the jar.

I'm thinking I should write a user manual for babies. I write user manuals for a living, and the idea of a baby book written in the same style amuses me. I'm going to think about that.

I am much intrigued by claims that a pay per view broadcast successfully contcated John Lennon via a psychic yesterday. I would quite like to see the show, but nothing on earth would coax me to pay $10 to watch something that is so obviously a scam. My interest is only in seeing how convincing it was. According to the BBC, contact was made using EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon). Miraculously, while filming the show, the psychic's voice feed went dead. When the recording of the feed was played back, John Lennon's voice was heard giving his message. Predictably the message was "peace". What a load of old crap! Apparently Lennon's widow did not approve of the show. If I'd been in her position I'd have told them that I'd endorse the show only if, when they contacted John, he could answer a question that no one else would know the answer to.

David Baline's next stunt seems to be staying under water for a week. That doesnt strike me as very spectacular. He has breathing aparatus and food, what's the problem? I'm becomming tired of David Blaine. His street magic show was amazing, and he has done a few cool stunts, but sitting in a fish tank for a week? I think I could do that. He is going to attempt to hold his breath for more than 8 minutes and 58 seconds at the end, but I'm not sure I'll believe it if he does it. It was recently pointed out to me that his Frozen in Time stunt wasn't all that clever either. He spent 62 hours in a block of ice. That's just like living in an igloo isn't it? The hardest thing is the standing up. I thought his next stunt was going to be jumping out of a helicopter into the water.